moody meanderings

T-boy, M and I went hiking on Dragon's Back today. We were really lucky with the weather. A bit of mist to keep the heat off and some sun so we got a tan.

To prepare my eyes for surgery, my pupils had to be sufficiently dilated. A nurse applied eye drops three times over fifteen minute intervals and supplied me with super strength pain-killers which would kick in after the procedure. Pupils sufficiently dilated, I was escorted to the operating theatre and dressed in sanitized garments. I lay on a flat, hard operating table. Suspended above my head was a heavy piece of machinery I took to be the source of the laser beams. A blinking red light showed me where to maintain visual focus. A cotton gauze was taped over my left eye as my right eye was the first to be treated. My upper and lower lids and lashes were pulled away from my eye and held down with adhesive tapes. Then anaesthetics drops were applied to the eye. Next, a plastic saucer with a hole in the middle was inserted over the eye to keep it open and in place. That was very uncomfortable. A small object the size of a rubber stamp was placed over the eye, applying pressure to it so that all vision blacked out. The sound of high-speed whirring could be heard. A circular flap was being cut out of my cornea. I felt nothing. The "cutter" was slowly removed and vision was restored but only for a brief moment. The cornea flap was lifted from the eye and laid to rest on the side. Vision became a complete blur but the red light continued to blink steadily. A robotic voice was heard announcing the numbers logged in for surgery. Twenty one seconds, it began counting backwards in blocks of ten seconds as the smell of buring flesh filled my nostrils. "Procedure complete", the robotic voice announced. I unclenched my teeth and relaxed my tense body. The cornea was replaced and a gauze applied over the closed eye. One eye was done. The same process was repeated over the left eye. Hours later, I was watching television without the aid of eye glasses. Amazing!

My eyes are doing OK now. A bit hazy (halo-effect) on and off but that's to be expected for some weeks following the procedure. I have to take special care not to touch my eyes. That's difficult as I often rubbed my eyes the way a child might. I sleep with goggles now. Well, not quite goggles, but these plastic shields like saucers with holes to let your eyes breathe, that I secure onto my face with surgical tape every night. Not a pretty sight! Quite hideous, actually. I look like a huge housefly! M had such fun taking photos of me like that the first night I had them on. It was hysterical.

Towards the end of last week, I became ill with a cold that soon became a throat infection. Of all weekends to happen, I had to lose my voice the weekend I was singing a solo at church. M took such great care of me though, especially as my condition was compounded by my visual handicap. Then, he became ill himself that Saturday night, starting with a sore throat which progressed into a cold on Sunday, followed by a fever on Monday. It just had to be the busiest Monday for him, too. So, last night, I decided it was my turn to read.

Since our weekend in Macau, M began the tradition of reading out loud, a chapter from a book at bed-time each night. We began with E.B. White's "The Trumpet of the Swan". I don't remember having ever been read in bed before so this was such a treat for me. Especially as M has the smoothest, mellowest, most mesmerising reading voice on the planet. Nestled in his arms with my head on his chest, shields over my eyes, I drift every night, to a little nature reserve in Canada where a young boy observes the daily activities of a swan family. Last night, as M's voice was still suffering the effects of a sore throat, I read for us instead. I've read for a number of kids in the past -- my niece and nephews, and kids of friends from church. But M is by far, my most appreciative audience. I have never been happier in my life. And for such simple pleasures, at that!

Time with M seems to whiz right by. Often, we'd just be chatting and suddenly, an hour will have gone by unnoticed. We have not spent a day apart in the last three weeks and more. But amazingly, I don't feel one bit crowded at all. As I've never lived with any of my past boyfriends before, I expected to feel quite put out with someone sharing my space and at such close quarters all the time. Strangely, that hasn't been the case. In fact, I find myself looking forward to day's end, to when we make our leisurely way back to my apartment for a simple home-cooked meal. Simple pleasures.

Just over a week ago, I decided I was going to have that lasik eye surgery I've been thinking about for years. All the barriers to doing it were finally out of the way. At first, it was because it was a wee bit too expensive for my pockets. Then, last year, when a friend told me about her eye surgery, I was tempted once more. But it was quite important to have a companion help you home even though you could probably stumble on home on your own if you really wanted. She offered to be my companion but as she travelled frequently, it never happened. About six weeks ago, I saw the ad for surgery on the side of the Bank of America Tower building. I punched the number and saved it in my phonebook. Two weeks ago, I called them up and made an appointment for a consultation. Assured that it was a safe and relatively painless procedure, I asked M if he would help me home on the day of the surgery. He was concerned about the safety of the procedure and offered to accompany me for the consultation.

The surgery scheduled for yesterday afternoon went well. It went smoother than I'd expected. And now I can see again! It will take a while before I get 20/20 vision but it's close. Now, I just feel like I'm wearing contact lenses without having to remove them at the end of day. More on the lasik procedure later. Not for the faint-hearted.

It was just after six in the morning when sleep slowly relinquished its hold on me. Already, the sun had risen high above the horizon. I couldn't see it but I knew it from the brightness of the light streaming through my bedroom window. I felt a feathery kiss planted on my shoulder and slid myself over, tucking my head into the crook of M's shoulder as he reached over and wrapped tender arms around me, our legs intertwined. "Good morning, my lovely!", he cooed with half-shut eyes and a dreamy smile. "Good morning, darling", I responded, cat-stretching.

We exchanged declarations of love and he shared the dream of the night before. Another one with me by his side. Everyday, he would wake to a dream which I was a part of. We drifted back into half-sleep enveloped in the comfort of each other's arms. The alarm on his watch beeped a half hour later, rousing us from our drowsiness. More kisses followed, puctuating our intimate conversation. As I gazed into his adoring face, a wave of love and tenderness washed over my being. I love him. I don't know how it could have happened so soon. But I knew it with every waking fibre in my body. Very gently, he began to take me, bringing me to heights of passion I've never known before. I love him. I don't know how, but I do. And I am grateful that I can wake in such a wondrous way to each new day, every day. I feel so blessed!

This song by Beth Nielsen Chapman was played for me during the final stages of my Asiaworks Training course. It captures perfectly, all I have ever dreamed and hoped for. And now, it is all coming true...

I can't explain what happened yesterday and I don't think the mystery will ever be unravelled. But sometimes, it is necessary to turn to blind faith when all else fails because what is there left to live for when you have nothing left to believe in or hope for. All is wonderful and marvellous again. We soldier on because we believe there is so much in this relationship to work with and something like that will not come again in a hurry, if at all.

Everything has been going wonderfully well since my decision to risk it all for a chance to realise a beautiful dream. The weekend at sea gave me a chance to see him in interaction with my friends. It also gave my friends an opportunity get to know him and assess his friend-friendliness. Everything checked out. Until tonight....

He's out at a writer's meeting. I got home to make myself some home-cooked noodles as I so often did during my singleton life just two weeks ago. Mid-way through slurping my steaming hot noodles in front of the tv, my buzzer went off. Thinking it was either the Parknshop delivery or him returning earlier than expected, I jumped off my seat on the floor and picked up the phone. An articulate woman's voice came unexpectedly through the line, "Hi, is this M's house?"

"No. Who is this?" I enquired, quite taken aback.
"I'm J..., err...?" she returned uncertainly, tailing off into an incoherent mumble.
"Are you delivering something?"
"Oh no. I think I have the wrong place."

What do we have here? A former girlfriend? A current unfinished love interest? A stalker? It goes without saying, I am deeply disturbed by this incident, following so soon after learning of his true marital status. I'm trying to remain calm but my agitation is increasing by the minute...

The once half-mad spinster is now married. What an inspiration to us all. How re-assuring to know that there are other people out there who dare to wait, pursue and fulfill their dreams.

This past weekend has been a sun-filled one. The grey skies cleared on Friday, making way for a gloriously sunny two days at sea. On Saturday, I hired the gorgeous Viva and took fifteen people first to Wing Lee restaurant for a sumptuous seafood lunch out in Shak Kiu Village near Saikung, then anchored off near a beach for a lovely dip in the warm water. The group dynamics was great even though the men-women ratio could have been better. Everyone had a great time, which is always good to know when you've spent weeks planning the perfect singletons day at sea. Even salsagod showed up and had a good time. He looked yummy as usual. A beautiful bit of eye-candy in a wonderful orange package. Sunday was a birthday party for three friends, also on a boat. Very different lot of people. Much much younger crowd. But we still managed to enjoy ourselves.

I've been struggling with this new relationship. As hard as his situation is for me to accept, I cannot deny that this is the closest I've ever come to meeting the perfect man for me. His situation will change. I have to believe it will. I have to trust him at his word. Afterall, nothing ventured, nothing gained. *Fingers crossed*