moody meanderings

Back in Singapore. Arrived late Friday night and spent some time with my mom. Perhaps partly out of a sense of obligation, partly out of a desire to make up for my impatience with her whenever she got online with me during office hours to chit-chat. We ended up just sitting in front of the tele watching some horror movie on Cinemax. I don't enjoy horror flicks and this one gave me a convenient excuse to walk away thirty minutes later and head out the door for the Newsroom with a bunch of great girlfriends for some dancing in cramped spaces, pressed against sweaty, hopping-bobbing bodies. I'm not sure if I enjoyed what I was doing as much as that I needed the distraction.

On my way to the airport Friday, I was taken with an incredible sense of fear and anxiety that the way things have been developing with J is just too good to be true. It can't last. And after an amazing night together, I suppose I decided it was best to end it on a high note. A bit of drama like the pop duo, Wham! who ended their partnership at the height of their success. My brief sms read "Thank you for being in my life. Goodbye". How much more dramatic can a woman get anyway. No objections on his end. Was I hoping for him to object? I'm sure I was. Does it make me a hypocrite? I don't know. I don't know much. For all my grown-up-ness, I don't have many answers.

I'm supposed to be researching hotels in Macau for an award trip that the company is giving to two project teams who have been working really hard on two separate accounts these past couple of months. Instead, I'm here compelled to wonder what on earth I'm doing blogging about nothing much with my eyes barely open and a pile of work to finish before I leave this evening.

While I'm still on absolutely inane subjects, let me just add that I'm wearing a a see-through DKNY top over a semi-sheer French lacy bra, and a pair of black tight stretch pants, and the new pair of overpriced dainty mules I bought on Sunday. Over this non-work ensemble is a dowdy looking red cardigan to cover up the inappropriateness of it all. I'm all ready to party tonight. Now the trick would be to stay awake long enough to enjoy it all.

I didn't realise how many days I've not been blogging. This has been a crazy week with Bob in town and World Cup fever. I've really only gotten into the game since the quarter finals so I haven't a favourite team. I usually find myself rooting for the underdogs. The team that no one had expected would get as far as they did. Cheered on Korea, knowing they could not win against Germany. I supported their fighting spirit. And then the crowd started to boo each time the ball was with Germany. Not nice. Not nice at all. This Saturday, my support goes to Turkey; and Brazil on Sunday.

I'm all packed and ready for my weekend in Singapore now. I could use some sleep catch up but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen, starting with late night dancing when I arrive tonight, family bbq tomorrow night and World Cup Finals party Sunday. Back to work.

What little was left of my resolve is out the window.

He called me last night and we talked for hours. Interrupted by one phone call he received from her, I'm guessing. By the time we hung up, it was two in the morning and he was just leaving the office. My thoughts flit momentarily to what she might think of his late return but I quickly brush it off. Not my business.

He's back this afternoon. And for all my false bravado and resolve, I invited him to join me and the boys at the office at LKF to watch the match tonight.
He may not come but it remains that I succumbed.

Again.

Motivational posters do a lot for most people most of the time but at other times, they can be so irksome. Especially when I'm totally in the dumps and just need to feel sorry for myself, these happy-sappy posters just make me grind my teeth even more. Well, for such moments, a poster like the one below may be the perfect inspiration. It makes wallowing in self-pity that much more rewarding and cool. teeheehee!

More defeatist philosophies can be found at despair.com

I am such a hypocrite.

I was ranting about his call this morning but the fact is that I still want to hear from him. He makes me laugh. That feels special. He seems to know the internal struggles I go through. That's got to mean something. So I called him this afternoon, taking time out of my crazy day just to hear his voice. I say "Bonjour" and he just starts laughing at my bad French which makes him think of his 5-year old nephew. And suddenly my afternoon feels lighter for his chuckle. Am I crazy? Oh dear. Now I'm echoing his question from last Monday. Am I?

It's really none of my business is it. That he doesn't want to talk things out with his girlfriend. Communication is so important in any relationship and I just don't understand that anyone would stay in a relationship that is no longer able to support honest communication. I suppose I've been guilty of that myself. I like him very much (in fact, I think I was starting to fall in love with him!) but for this one thing. And I suppose the most prudent thing to do now is to cut off all communication before I get more emotionally entangled than I already am. Now is a good time to be a Ballbuster. And I'm getting all worked up at this time of the week and the morning because he's just called me from Singapore. Trying to keep me warm and interested? I couldn't resist asking if he'd talked out their issues. And then I shot my mouth off and challenged him on whether he planned to just carry on with her pretending that everything is hunky-dory. I later retracted it with, "well, it isn't my business anyway" and he agreed. So now I feel really foolish. I have to agree with Serina that the only way you can tell how a person would treat you is how he's treating other people around him. Doesn't really matter how sweet he's been to me thus far because that's just how they treat you in the early days. True?

Just had to rant.

Serina's baptism today. It was beautiful. I have it all on video. Water and tears. Her testimony was moving too. Very heartfelt and deeply honest. Moved me to tears. Beautiful child of God. Heart cheerful and bold like the sun, yet beautiful and vulnerable like a flower.

My computer is on the blink again. This time the keys don't work so I can't log onto Windows. So much for getting work done on the weekend to catch up on last week and clear the coming week up a bit. Somehow, the computer always seems to act up just when I can't afford for it to be testy.

Short post. Very tired now. My eyelids can barely stay up. Better to sleep so I won't think too much.

He's in Singapore now. Spending the weekend and a couple days there. I'm trying not to feel anything. Trying.

My turn to be in Singapore next weekend. Yippeeee!!! I get to see my family and my friends. I just have to get round to planning it all. Too bad I have no car now. What a bother to get around.

Time for bed. Tomorrow, I will be singing for Serina's baptism. Jaci Velasquez's "Flower in the Rain". My voice is suffering from alcohol and no sleep. Need rest.

Korea and Spain now on. Exciting game. Both teams going all out. Korean team looks very determined. But what's with the maskman? Oh, and I just love that the entire stadium is red. Wasn't keen to watch the game alone nor to join the residents at the bar downstairs. Doesn't help that I'm really in need of sleep. But now I'm watching it with Al...via chat. Way kewl!

one pure moment...
untainted by the past,
unencumbered by the future,
I can love, truly, deeply,
without fear,
without judgment,
without expectation.

This is probably not news.
On Thursday I woke up and realised that I was ready. No 'buts' or 'maybes' or cowardly silence to the "stay with me tonight" invite. If the invitation came again, I knew my response. And if it didn't come, I would make the move myself. That realisation reminded me of the song by the Corrs which I posted. It took setting aside all my pre-conceived notions about women who say 'yes' so soon after meeting the guy, and my judgment of those who dared to take the initiative. Anyway, I took the lyrics of the chorus, got it translated via google language tools and emailed it to him. Quite cheezy, come to think of it now. But at the time, it felt bold and romantic because he had called me that afternoon just as the song was playing in my computer and I was singing along with it on the phone. There was some thread of relevance afterall. In the end, he had a department night out on a boat to Lamma Island so I let that one pass without saying more.

Then yesterday over lunch, our discussion touched on how we often let the past dictate our present actions and behaviour and let that be ok. And as you can guess, the discussion moved to whether it was possible to isolate the present from the past and the future, which became the preamble to the big question. Can he and I have one such moment ce soir. I'd finally put it out there. First time in my life, I was the one to ask it. This time it was his turn to hesitate. He didn't want to hurt me and from what I could gather, he didn't want a one-time deal.

Fast forward to after homegroup meeting.
I couldn't get hold of him and everyone was already leaving so I took a ride out to Lan Kwai Fong. Thought I might as well just hang out on a Friday night and see what happens if it ends up that we weren't meeting up. Serina offered to keep me company for an hour and I was happy for the company. Then Shane offered to join us which was really weird since I made no secret that I was waiting to meet someone. Wouldn't it be awkward? So there we were dancing at Insomnia and Serina suddenly realised that she may miss the last train so took off, leaving me with Shane. Shortly after, J showed up. Clearly staking his territory with his arms around me. Quite sexy. But it felt awkward with Shane as audience. Wasn't good for my reputation either since the last time Shane and I were out, I was dancing sexily with a US sailolr. Anyway, Shane took his leave soon after. Very awkward.
The rest of the night was pure magic. Ultimate turn on : passionate nothings whispered in your ears in French...

What if we could capture one moment in time and isolate it from the shackles of the past and unburden it of the weight of an unknown future. What would that moment look like? How would we live it? Is this idealistic? Maybe. I want one such moment.

Oh, by the way, I welcome comments so just say it to me now.

He'll hate me doing this if he knew but this is who's been lighting up my life this past week. Not the best pics as he is quite camera-shy. Must load him up with some booze first next time.

"he's funny, he's tender, he's passionate, he's handsome, he's French, he's got a girlfriend"
....my IM response to Sarah's musing that J must be "interesting"

Everyone is concerned (and I certainly appreciate the concern) that I will walk the same path I've walked in my past two relationships. But I figure I'm improving each time. I've moved from married to separated to attached. I reckon the next guy I meet should be unattached, right? HAHAHAH!!! Unless, of course there's a status between that that I'm not seeing right now.

One Night
Long day and I'm ready - I'm waiting for your call
'Cos I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger and the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night, is it alright
That I give... you
My heart, my love, my heart
Just for one night
My body, my soul
Just for one night
My love, my love
For one night, one night, one night

When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be alone
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive

That for one night, it was so right
That I gave... you
My heart (my heart...), my love, my heart
Just for one night (one night...)
My body, my soul
Just for one night (one night...)
My love, I loved
For one night (one night...), one night, one night

- The Corrs

Disturbing
Last night, as I waited for J at our usual Landmark corner, I saw a half-drenched girl who appeared out of the blue next to me. I found that odd as it wasn't raining. As I looked more closely out of idle curiosity, I noticed she was stifling a sob and reaching for her tissue. I hesitated to reach out to her because 1) I was expecting J anytime; 2) would she welcome my concern? 3) I figured she must be a local and I can't speak her language so what good would I be to her? And then I felt horrid about my selfish excuses. I walked towards her and laid my hand gently on her shoulder and asked if she was allright. Seems such a stupid question now but I didn't know what else to say. Anyway, she turned up her tearful face and I was half expecting her to brush off my concern but instead she quietly shook her head and with a strangled "no" took the shoulder I offered. We stood there for a minute as she let herself cry. Curious onlookers watched as they waited at the pedestrian crossing. As her sobs subsided, she drew away with a quiet "thank you" and made her way to the street waiting to cross to the other side. I debated if I should go after her and maybe get her to talk out her grief but I let the language barrier get in the way again. So I just watched her as she disappeared down the road. Could I have done more for her? Maybe. But now, I'll never know.

Link thanks to Mary T who has me down as "karentech". Cool! should be "karentechnocolour" instead. Hahaha!

That's the second time I've had my name spelt that way. I met and danced with a US sailor two weeks ago at a pub in Wanchai the night I was out with Shane Abrahams (his grandfather was the Abrahams that was featured in "Charriots of Fire"), and we exchanged email addresses. Somehow, he had "c" for "o" and the mail didn't get to me first time round. Anyway, just rambling on a bit.

And if it sounds strange that I was dancing with a sailor instead of Shane, it's because Shane assured me he cannot dance on account of his semi-paralysed left limbs. He has a benign growth on his brain which is putting pressure on his nerves. Poor guy.

Looks like I'm on my own again this salsa night. Serina won't make it because her sis is visiting. J has a conference call to Paris. I'm wondering if I should go at all. With World Cup going on, there is a dearth of men suddenly and the women have to share the men which is great for the men who show up but not good for the women who don't get to practise their steps all that much. I guess I should go. It is taking sheer discipline to make myself sociable and available. And I'm not going to meet any available chaps by being unavailable myself, am I. And as crazy as I am about J, it doesn't look like he will be available any time soon, if at all. So, go I shall.

Why do people settle for short-term gratification instead of holding out for a long-term one?
In my case, it is because I don't believe I will ever have it. Is it a self-fulfilling prophesy for the weak-willed?
I'm seeing him again this afternoon. Accompanying him to the Immigration Dept. Get my fill of his smiling eyes, for soon, they'll turn elsewhere. I'm sure of it. He's much too attractive. What hope do I have of retaining the interest of a younger, attractive and personable man? I'm starting to sound "poor me"!

The woman who loved another woman's man.
Is that how I am going to be remembered? Wanting what I cannot have. I'm sure Shally and Ming won't disagree. That seems to be my problem. And I'm feeling this wanting with Johan and hating myself for it. I must be dreaming. It feels like it surely. How can I explain this feeling like I know him, really know him, yet have only known him a week? Is he playing with me? Is he a con artist? Is it just the French romantic? Or just my own romantic delusions carrying me off on a cloud? Or is he really real? So warm, passionate, generous, playful, spontaneous, intense. I want to believe and yet my own insecurities and friends' good advice prevent me.

Last night, we nearly spent the night together. God knows I wanted it. But when I got home and called him, he was on the phone with his gf. For some reason, I thought I should have just messaged him instead of calling in case he was still on the phone with her. I knew he'd be talking to her then because he'd mentioned the eleven o'clock call before. I guess I can only put it down to perversion or jealousy. Maybe I secretly hoped he would pick up my call and what? That would make me feel like the one he chose? I know it sounds stupid and that's really how I feel right now. Everything's a jumble. And then he didn't pick up and that should have been enough to tell me to get out already. Still, I rang again and this time, it was the voice mail! ARGH! Deja vu!!!! It was P and me all over again. I just snapped. Suddenly, I was convinced that he was just stringing me along. Like every man in my life, I was just a standby toy to him. And of course, I started to think I deserve to be treated this way for wanting another woman's man. Don't I? I hate myself for being weak, stupid and fragile. I'm Ballbuster all over again. Protective and bitchy. *sigh*

We spoke later. It was awkward. I was quiet. He was tender. He seems to know me. How is that possible? He challenged my protective silence. Did it really protect me? How does he know that? How can he know so much in so little time?

Today is a brand new day. I wish I could hit the "rewind" button and start over but alas, there is no such button. And I must renew myself from this point and not look back. Salsa night tonight. Maybe I'll meet someone else who will take all this confused jumble away. Maybe.

Whirlwind it is then. Quickly come and gone. I've just put an end to the whole thing. Met him for lunch. Attempted to eat but like yesterday's dinner, we didn't get too far through it. Though to be fair, we did have half our lunch as opposed to none of our dinner last night. My insides were too mushy to take in any food though I was positively famished today. We'll stop seeing each other. Doesn't mean this is the last I'll see of him as I'm sure I'll run into him on Salsa nights at Club Ing. At least until his girlfriend moves to Hong Kong. By then, I hope he'll avoid Club Ing altogether.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it feels like the best way. Maybe it is the road of fear I've taken. I think the space will do him good to work out what he wants in his relationships and either be responsible for making the current one work or make a clean break of it. I do not care to think what outcome I'd prefer. I don't want to want anything. It was a wonderful dream and I am waking now. I feel really sad now but I guess it is better than hating myself and going insane with jealousy when he returns to Singapore this weekend. No hoping or waiting for me. Hah! such bravado. Well, it is over. I must make it so.

Am I in love? Serina asked me this on my distracted Saturday with her. It is a scary thought if I were. It's been hardly a week. In my mind, it is a whirlwind. In my heart and body, it feels like it is moving as it should.

oh my god!! I feel so foolish, silly, such a dim-wit. I forgot that I have my web url on my email sign-off. I sent him an email this morning and now he's read my June entries and... what I must sound like to him. some raving, reeling, starry-eyed teenager. I've asked him not to read it anymore but at the same time, I feel even sillier doing that. I know it is naive to think that one's online journal could be secret. As Al keeps reminding me, everything on the web is public domain. But it was so sweet of him to ask. Bloody hell. I'm a blooming teenager. My heart is racing now. Insides turning out. Limbs turning cold. You know the feeling you get when you're with someone you wish time would just stop for? I'm kind of wishing that now. That time would just stop long enough for me to enjoy the moment without having to worry about consequences and whatever after.

An awkward moment. He invited me to dinner. I hesitated. He retracted. I was silent. He was silent. I could hear my heart pounding and my head was spinning. I hate this conflict. How to be in the moment? How to just let be and appreciate the moment for what it is? I don't have the answers. Why can't it ever be uncomplicated? Why must there always be so much self-restraint or guilt? I'm going to have dinner with him. Am I crossing the line? He's confused. Have I crossed the line? Yesterday he asked me, "Does being grown-up mean we have to stop our feelings and follow our logic?" and I said that it meant we should follow our intentions. A fine response indeed. For one who hasn't quite worked out her own intentions. Do I really want just to dance with him? My thoughts have wandered back to the brief gentle moments of Friday. Not just once or twice. My entire Saturday was in distracted revelry. How can I know my intention? How is hope different from intentions? I hope there could be more. Is that just loneliness speaking? Is he just lonely? Maybe. Then maybe self-restraint and emotional constipation is the best recourse. Fear disappointment. Fear rejection. What a copout. I'm thinking way too much. Can I be spontaneous without crossing the line? Where's the bloody line already???

As my luck would have it, he is already involved in a relationship. I'm grateful for his honesty in telling me up front though he felt he should have told me earlier. We went to try out a Tango class on Friday. Our first meeting since Wednesday. Got lost finding the place, had a good laugh, and when we finally got to the studio one hour late, we found ourselves struggling in the Improver level class, being first-timers ourselves. Well, I'm not exactly first-timer since I learned it from a friend over an hour-long session and a couple of practice sessions years ago. Still, we were fairly new to the dance and he is such a "showy" dancer and kept twirling and dipping me so much that the instructor offered for us to learn in her show Tango class after we'd done the basic course which starts in July. I'm really excited and at the same time a bit bothered that he doesn't plan to tell his "jealous and possessive" girlfriend (who happens to be in Singapore) that he is learning to dance. Could be a bit dodgy. Especially since things were getting a wee bit hot with us on Friday. It will be a challenge for him to be taking classes in July when she plans to move to Hong Kong that month. Maybe I won't have a dance partner afterall. Ugh!!! The attraction is undeniable. Damn my bloody luck!

*sigh*...last night before they leave. I'm feeling rather sad (for want of a better word). On the bus journey home, I had Abraham in my lap and Leticia next to me so that they could both lean against me and nap on the hour-long ride. It was also an excuse to hug them for an hour. During the ride, we started talking about plane rides. This being the first ride in Abraham's memory, I asked him if he had enjoyed the flight. He said he enjoyed it coming to Hong Kong. I found his response curiously specific so I asked him about it. And he responded, "I won't enjoy the plane ride going back because I'm going to miss you." Awww....brings up a lump in my throat even now. I love these kids. My monkeys, my angels.

Ocean Park was good even though we didn't end up taking most of the rides. The kids were too terrified as they looked on the roller-coaster rides set atop the headland, balancing precariously at the cliff edge. I guess they'd had their fill after the water ride where we were thoroughly drenched, and the Space Wheel, which was a ride that spun and rotated on its axis so that we ended up revolving upside down. Abraham came out from his car, coolly declaring that it was like riding an airplane (as if he's ridden in one that did the loop-the-loop). Leticia had her eyes shut all the while and was screaming from absolute terror. She was riding with me. But they both decided that they'd had enough rides. The rest of the day was spent doing "kiddy" stuff like carnival games and rides at Kids World, looking at seals, sharks, corals and other educational attractions.

Uncle Jeremy's boat from Saturday left a huge impression on Abraham. He got me to buy him a battery operated yacht at Stanley Market on Monday which we sailed on Tuesday in a fountain at the Hotel tower. And today, he played at a carnival stall that had remote control boats controlled by large steering wheels and throttle lever. Jeremy will be pleased to know. Although it was Leticia who left an impression on him.

What a great vacation. I'm going to miss them when they go tomorrow. Then its back to work for me.

Interesting development with Johan. We've been sms-ing since last night. Shan't let myself get too excited. With my luck, he could be married, gay, weird or a combination of all. I hope not. It will be great to have a dance partner. Maybe I'll finally get beyond the basics of all the dances I've ever learned.

Ocean Park, here we come! The weather today is gorgeous. I'm glad we waited to do OP today even though the weather took a turn for the better in the afternoon yesterday. We ended up ice-skating at City Plaza in Taikoo for nearly three hours. The kids enjoyed that very much though Abraham is still wobbly on his skates and ended up with a giant blister on his flat foot. We were the biggest kids in the rink, if you ignore the coaches and skatecops. Most of the kids skating like they were born on blades were between the ages of 3 and 6. And then there were some older kids who were doing leaps and spins and arabesques. Very inspiring to watch. I was envious. The meanest trick I could do was balancing on one foot!

Last night, I left the Wongs to their own family dinner with Louis' sisters while I went to Club Ing for more salsa. Met someone who made me laugh and spin and reel. He had a laugh that was so light and spontaneous, it was infecteous. He couldn't quite work out the salsa rhythm so we ended up with a kind of disco-rock salsa. I don't remember laughing so much while dancing in a while. One and a half years ago, would have been my last memory. It would have been the Brannigans at CHIJMS, Singapore, before they closed down from bad debts. There was a Chilean band playing up some hot latin tunes and light-footed couples spinning and reeling out salsa numbers. My tune playing in the background now. Feeling sentimental. Beth Nielsen Chapman's All I Need "...all I have, is all I need, and it all comes down to you and me. How far away this world becomes in the harbour of each other's arms...." Fade out. Time to get ready for Ocean Park now.

Been raining all yesterday and looking like more of the same today. Anyway, I've got some pics up of the boat trip on Saturday.

I'm grateful for the way things turned out today. We had fine weather compared to yesterday, which was really a wash-out, like the rest of the day. The kids were near angels with only two incidents which I managed to turn into important life lessons about responsibility and ownership. It felt like a timely reminder for myself -- "I am the source..." of my own happiness, sadness, anger, and the success of this vacation.

We did the tourist things today. Visited the Victoria Peak, Stanley Market and Ladies' Market in Mongkok. I expected this to be the most difficult day for the kids because sightseeing and shopping aren't their favourite past-times. I guess the lesson was well learnt. The last thing Leticia said to me as she retired was that she had fun today. This, despite the kid-unfriendly itinerary. "So, what did you learn about fun today?" I ask. "I make it happen" she replies. Well answered. I feel blessed for the lesson.

Tomorrow, or today (just noticed the time) we'll have a relaxing day at the pool, video arcade and maybe watch some movies. It will be my day with the kids though I suspect my sis and brother-in-law don't have plans of their own.

I remember a topic in one of my Psychology text books back in University, there was a ranking of stressful life events and topping the chart was the death of a loved one. That was no surprise. But what surprised me that was on the list then was vacation. Having never had a vacation myself by then, I'd always fantasised it to be the magic that the marketing media made it out to be. No plans, no effort. By some magical swish of a marketeers' wand, you were whisked away to a luxury beach resort where you were fawned upon by the attentive service staff. I've had many vacations in the 12 years since and there are no magic wands to swish away bad tempers and frayed nerves.

Today, Abraham was acting up. Started this morning, when he made a disappearing act. We had just reached the ground floor lift lobby when I realised I had left my MTR card upstairs. The rest waitied while I went back up. Leticia followed in the next lift because Abraham had left his Nintendo Gameboy behind and she was sent to get it. When we rejoined them at the lobby, Abraham was not to be found. He reappeared in the next lift just after his father had gone up to look for him. The rest of the day was challenging on the nerves, with him refusing to sit with the family at church service, refusing to eat when we were at lunch....just refusing. And then, while we were riding the lift down Louis' sister's apartment to the bowling alley where we spent the afternoon, Abraham was ticked off about something and scratched his father. It was intended to hurt. Louis responded with a smart slap across his cheeks. There was a stunned silence as everyone pretended we hadn't witnessed the excessive discipline or the bright red appearing on Abe's cheek. Poor boy was so indignant and resentful but there was nothing the rest of us could do without aggravating the situation or worsening his lot. He was angry with the world. I could see immense hatred in his young eyes. It frightened and angered me as I recalled the slaps I used to receive as a child.

He was taken aside for some calmer discipline and things seemed to go back to normal. But the scars remained. A dark cloud seemed to hang over all our heads and there were more heated words exchanged between husband to wife, sister to brother, brother to sister. And it still hangs and I feel such a weight on my heart and I'd rather be going back to work tomorrow than continuing with a vacation when some of the vacationers are determined not to have a good time. Does this make me a bad person? I'm tired. I can't believe I was crying in the taxi on the way home. I had the whole vacation planned out but Louis periodically throws spanners and gets upset that we can't accommodate his requests immediately because I don't have the whole agenda in my head nor is Hong Kong so small that we can easily make detours without upsetting the plan. I'm tired. I want to go back to work.

What an incredible day we had yesterday! We went on Jeremy's boat and he was so amazing with the kids. He let them steer the boat, which will probably the highlight of this trip for all of us. At one point, Abraham went off to the front of the boat on his own, while the rest of us were on the upper deck where Leticia was steering us back to the harbour. He was "riding the waves" like a windsurfer. It was so cute. He would make a huge leap just as the boat dipped, following a crest in the wave. It gave him the feeling of free-falling from a height. And after each perfect leap, he would turn around and flash his impish grin of glee. I went down to join him and as he took my hand and prompted me for each leap, I felt the incredible rush of that free-fall. I was a kid again. We went on this way for about 10 minutes, adrenaline-giggling with each successful crest we took and a bit more determined with each one we missed. And as we were giggling like the 8-year old kids we were, he suddenly gave me a great big hug and kiss and declared, "I'm having a lot of fun. Thank you ee-Karen". Wow! That was just precious!

Later that evening, I asked Leticia what were the five things that made an impression on her. Things she'd want to talk about to her friends. This is her list :
1) I steered a boat. It was my first time and I was able to steer past two other boats. (In fact, she steered us all the way home, nearly)
2) The red kites (a sea-bird of the eagle family). We don't have such birds at home.
3) The mountains. The trees on the mountain made me think of "fresh". They looked like "giant moss-covered rocks".
4) Many ships. There were many ships and boats.
5) I had fun! That comment was followed with a kiss. (Nearly brought a tear to my eyes.)

And a new one...."while steering the ship, I saw the shape of a dragon in the clouds". Wow!! she saw one of the nine-dragons of Hong Kong - that's what Kowloon or "Kow Long" means!

I don't like myself much today. Yesterday, I sent an email to my best friend and it upset her at first. In fact, she had to take three hours to sweat it out over tennis to get over the initial sense of outrage. She eventually got over her anger and saw the intention of my email for what it was. No malice. Still, the harm was done and I feel wretched. That was at lunch time.

I left for lunch and on the way, saw a woman in her 60s sitting under the bridge begging. I'd made up my mind some time back that if I saw a street person before lunch, I would pick something up for them after my own meal. I decided I'd get her something. Maybe I'd start feeling better about myself. So, I had a quick lunch at MacDonald's and debated if Micky Ds was a healthy meal, decided it wasn't and that I'd get some regular hot rice or noodle meal. But as I approached the foodcourt, I recoiled from the cold airconditioning and quickly stepped out of the mall. So, I walked past the woman again, empty-handed. I ended up getting a tuna panini from Pacific Coffee. Gourmet sandwich, no less! She was grateful. That felt good but somehow didn't change the way I felt about myself.

But I pick myself up anyway because my sister and family have arrived and I don't want to be a wet blanket. Of course, I spoke to T because, as I've blogged before, he has a way of making joys seem bigger. And so he did. I am grateful.

Just one more day to go. Sun is shining brilliantly. It is glorious. I'm praying that this blessed weather continues through the weekend and next week. Leticia and Abraham are thrilled and everyone is going with my plan. This means I get the whole family staying with me throughout their stay. I've also made sure there's plenty of time for the Wongs to hang out as a family too. This is fantastic. Will be super if we had such splendid summer weather out on the islands Saturday. *sigh* I'm so lucky!

Yesterday, because I went home to work in the afternoon, I had the time to pick up some fresh flowers to greet my guests as they arrive on their own in the afternoon (don't think I can get off by early afternoon to greet them myself). And today, I've gone to get more gerberas and other little ones that I don't know the names of. I'll have a bright white lilies and yellow gerberas bouquet welcome for them. I just want everything to be perfect for them. Next on the list is fruits tonight. *pant pant* we're going to have a blast! I know it.

[Update : Here's the link to this self-portrait in the shower at Mirror Project]

My obsessive spurts. This time, it is the mirror project. Last time, it was epoetry (where, by the way, my poems can be found). What will it be next?

Forget salsa tonight. It started with the fact that I'm out of drinking water at home and with my sis and family visiting, I needed to make arrangements to have water delivered to my suite. With all my evenings planned out till late, it was going to be impossible to pick the groceries from the supermart myself. In my hurry to get to the lobby with plenty room to make these arrangements and still catch the 8.30 shuttle to the city this morning, I forgot my notebook power cable. By 11.45 this morning, my computer battery had reached the end of its life and I had to get packing home. It takes an hour to get into the city by the shuttle that has a fixed hourly schedule or nearly 1.5 hours by public bus which is four times more frequent. The long trip into the city for an evening of salsa for 2.5 hours just didn't seem worth the effort. Even the prospect of meeting Matt, the guy I danced with last week, didn't make a difference. So here I am, still hammering away at my computer at home.

Anyway, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because :
1) I found the time to go to the supermart to pick up my groceries for when my sis arrives;
2) I get to recuperate as I feel a flu coming : tired eyes, sore muscles, and headache; and
3) I can cram in more work to free up my week on vacation.

Isn't there always a silver lining if we look hard enough?

I'm exhausted from several late nights in a row, working! Today, I finally spent some time working on my photos from the boat trip of over two week ago. But I'm now too tired to put it up on the web, Tomorrow will be another late night of salsa. And the night after, Shane Abrahams from church has invited me to a bar/restaurant that has a "live" band and an open mic policy. That should be interesting. So, no blogging for a while.

I've joined the Mirror Project fray that HL blogged about couple of days ago. It's a gallery of self-portraits in reflective surfaces. This one's a polished granite surface of a lamp pillar.

I'm reaching a point in my life when it feels like the tides are changing.

Today, I visited with Benny and Tasha. Benny was the keyboardist years ago at the church I worshipped in Singapore. He moved to Hong Kong with his ballerina girlfriend in March this year to take up a job with the Hong Kong Academy of Performing Arts. A job he is very obviously proud and happy about. I am very happy for him too. He seems so well adjusted and settled in and I can't help but feel impatient with myself and my own non-committal attitude. I've been in Hong Kong seven months now but I feel like I've not really let myself be in Hong Kong. I've only got one foot in Hong Kong and the other still in Singapore which I regard as home and I keep looking back. But I feel a change coming.

The reason I was visiting with them was to check out their apartment which is on the eastern-most part of Hong Kong island. It costs just a little more than what I'm currently paying for my service studio suite but they have a two bedroom apartment with a spacious (by HK standard) living room. The estate is just on the harbour so residents have a view of the harbour or the mountains. There is also a path along the coast called Romantic Walk. hah! And there are clubhouse facilities too. I've pretty much made up my mind to move there if I can find a fully furnished two-bedroom apartment. The move will be a big thing commitment-wise, as the leasing contracts are usually one-year or more. I've been dragging my feet about moving out of my current place in the boonies because of the contract term as I really didn't know how long I'd be staying in HK. I guess I can't ever settle into the rhythm of Hong Kong life if I am living out in the boondocks, and an hour's commute into the city. I suppose in many ways, my outsider-looking-in attitude has affected my work as well. So I am feeling really anxious and upbeat at the same time. I will speak with the agent this week so they can look out for an apartment for me to move into by July when my current lease ends.

I'm taking advantage of this upbeat high by working tonight to get a headstart on the week. I'm not worried about ever being a workaholic so my friends don't have to worry about me.

I'm doing much better than the pathos in the recent poetic inspirations may suggest. Actually, I'm feeling quite upbeat about life in general. My sis, Angie and family will be here starting this Friday. I'm thrilled, excited, over the moon about it. The kids are terribly excited too. I've got the whole itinerary planned out. Ocean Park, boating, swimming, skating, and more. There is just one thing that could ruin this otherwise perfect plan. My brother-in-law's family is insisting that they stay with them instead of staying with me. Seems absurd since the reason they're coming to Hong Kong is because the kids want to spend their mid-year schoolbreak with me. But I shan't dwell on that for now. I am in too good a mood to let this dampener get me down.

Perhaps it is because of the phone conversation I had with him yesterday. Somehow it felt different. Or maybe its just that I finally noticed it. But more importantly, I've accepted it. Moving on.

And then again, perhaps it is because of the phonecall I received this afternoon from a guy I danced with last Wednesday. And the prospect of seeing him again next Wednesday if there is no earth shattering news to keep him at his newsdesk.

then came night
romance gone cold
in drunken light
you said to me
little but enough
when you said she
miserable day
moonlight embrace
then i will away

poems to reflect my shadowless voice
like grasshoppers talking back

Yay Denmark!! Tomasson John Dahl is scrummy.

I smiled to see players from both sides hugging and jostling at the end of the match. Good to see that with all that's riding on the back of each tournament the players' sportsman spirit hasn't diminshed.