moody meanderings

Just watched a documentary that ended rather disturbingly. Hippo infanticide. A rare occurence. A mother nurses its baby for two weeks away from the herd or "school" as hippo communities are called (probably because they dwell in water). After two weeks, she cautiously introduces the infant to the school and hopes for the best. In this instance, a young male takes an interest in the little one and mauls the squealing infant to death while the mother looks helplessly on. She doesn't immediately realise that it is dead. She thinks it is sleeping and nudges it to wake. When it doesn't, she tries to bring its lifeless body to the surface to breathe. And then the reality of the horrific moment dawns on her as she sadly turns from the body of its dead infant. Tragic.

Woke up to a funny dream this morning. Guess that's why I'm not feeling rested despite getting to bed before midnight. Peter was in my dream. Al thinks that I'm dreaming in anticipation of Pete's visit. Maybe. Here's the dream...
I was out of town (Hah! I think I must've been in HK) and left my car with Pete. Got back and went to pick up the car with him. He didn't tell me where it was so I had to find it myself. Dunno where he'd gone. My eyes were blurry (a sign that my physical fatigue was manifesting in my dream), and couldn't see the cars clearly through my half-closed lids. I raise my remote, click the button and wait for the beep. Click a few more times while walking around the lots and finally one nearby goes off. I get into the car and start the engine. It makes a funny noise that doesn't sound like my car engine. I realise it isn't my car. Someone else's souped up baby that responded to my remote control. I get out and continue beeping for my car and many more cars respond. Finally Pete returns and locates my car. I am running late for a meeting, I jump in, adjust the seat and turn the ignition. Nothing. Again and again, nothing and then a tiny sputter. I get out and Pete finds a bicycle which I jump on with him riding pillion. I ride like a maniac because I'm late for a meeting that I'm chairing. I'm getting anxious because our recent kick-off meeting stressed the importance of taking ownership and responsibility and here I am late for my own meeting. Making sharp bends and sudden stops, Pete is bouncing about behind me. I don't know why he's riding with me. His weight makes the bike difficult to control and then suddenly he shouts "Look out!" or something like that but it's too late, I ride straight into a huge muddy puddle. The front wheel jams into a rut in the puddle. His body weight is thrown forward against mine and we're hurled off the bike onto the muddy dirt road. That's when I woke up.

Got an email from him asking me to support him in a key aspect of his life that he is struggling with. That was the sensitive topic I brought up yesterday when I blurted out the question and regretted it only because I realised how emotionally entangled I could become if I support him in this area of his life (pant pant). Just sent him a reply to say I cannot support him. Ouch! that was a difficult and painful email to write. But not half as painful as it could get if I allowed myself to be involved this way.

This afternoon, I had resolved that my blog would not be about him anymore. But here it is again. Go figure!

Well, there doesn't seem to be anything else happening in my life to blog about. Quite pathetic....
Ok, ok. I have just converted my housing loan to the latest loan package offered by OCBC. Good thing that Richard, my Carissa Park neighbour and choir friend, told me about the new loan rates and advised me to convert my loan. I'm currently servicing my loan at 5.25% when the going rate is 3%! That's a whopping 2.25% per annum.

That's all to my sad, lonely life in Hong Kong. Getting the zzzzs now.

He's out of Basic training and gone into his shell. Seems like a pattern after each training now. Makes me sad. And sadder to know that he doesn't trust me. I just notice myself wanting to retaliate by not trusting him in return. But I won't do anything drastic to rock the boat. There's still a good distance, space between us. I touched on a very sensitive subject today and he closed up. Felt my heart squeeze.

February 25. Apparently a significant date. I was reminded by Peter a couple of days ago of the significance of this date. On Feb 25 two years ago, he tried to get a separation from his wife. She went ballistic when she received the lawyer's letter of separation. She hadn't taken his earlier requests for separation seriously until the letter was presented to her. And then on Feb 25 last year, we spoke, his wife and I. He was talking about a life together with me again and it was driving me nuts with hope. I called her in response to a rude sms message she sent and we ended up talking for 3 hours into the wee hours of the morning. She pointed out to him during the CNY holidays when he went back to Singapore, the significance of this date in the hope that Feb 25 this year will pass uneventfully. I feel a devious stirring. Like I want to do something naughty just to make a superstitious third event. I feel so evil. Horns growing...

Feeling a little lonely and nostalgic again...today is the Basic graduation that he not only staffed but Captained the staff team. I am proud of him. No whinging from him. No complaints about missed opportunities like before. This, to me, is commitment. Trust. Loving without knowing. Giving without expecting. I wish I could be there....again. I miss him in such a strange way. No stabbing pain in my chest as before. Just nostalgic, sentimental, reminiscent. Sitting in the train, I thought of his hands. For a moment, I couldn't remember what they look like. Then suddenly, it came to me. Strong but gentle with soft tufts of light-coloured hair on the back of his hands. What is this facination I have with hands, I wonder. I saw myself kissing his hands, tickling my cheeks with the hair on his hand :o...while driving, sitting at the beach talking, lying lazily in bed, standing in his kitchen...aaaahhhh....moments to treasure.

I got my Zenix 5.1 speaker system! YAY!!!! And I'm supposed to check the system is working within 7 days without a DVD player! I hope they let me extend on account of the fact that I don't have any way of testing it until HSBC gives me my other gift -- the Aiwa DVD player! It was so heavy and I had to lug it all the way from the Redemption place to the MTR and then from MTR to my shuttle bus pick-up point. All 13kg of it! hand hurts now. Almost didn't manage to catch the bus if not for the accident at the pick up point which caused a delay of the bus.

Witnessed an amazing thing on my way home tonight. A guy tackling a chicken wing in one hand and steering his car with the other while hurtling down the highway! Some people just take crazy risks. I can't imagine that the little chicken wing could satisfy his hunger.

My sis, Angie has installed Yahoo messenger at home. Now I can chat with her and my niece, Leticia. Yahooo! Chatting with her now. Enjoying the chat with the little ones. They are so natural with technology. Ooops! did I just say that! GAWD! I'm old!

Using the computer at the hotel lobby because I couldn't bring my computer home while lugging the speaker system. So have to punish my ears with off-key, off-beat renditions of Cantonese hits coming from the lobby bar! Yeeooouuuch!!! Somebody tell them they suck already, PLEASE!

Just realised today that Tim will be in Basic starting yesterday. DUH! He is captaining the Basic team this time. Wow! It will be great for him to experience himself in leadership. I hope I can find someone to stand in front of him this Sunday with a sunflower bouquet.

Spoke to Peter again tonight. To check if he is able to receive my email as he hadn't replied. Also to pass him hotel rates information. He hasn't changed one bit and he thinks I'm exactly the same too. And he liked that. The conversation tone was a bit softer, and more tender this time. Feels a bit dangerous to me.

I'm falling sick again. same thing as Tuesday. ARGH! I can't be sick tomorrow. Can't stay home because the water supply will be turned off in the afternoon as they clean the water tanks!

OK, hair is dry now. I'm off to bed. nodding off already since I was up at 6.30am for a 7am conference call this morning. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

No cry after blogging last night. That's good. quiet. But I did cry while watching The Pretender on Star TV. Parker's new boyfriend, Tommy (who is gorgeous and sweet in a way that reminds me of Tim) died suddenly and tragically. And Ms Parker, who is normally a tough, tight lipped, tongue lashing lass was distraught and broken and I cried with her!! I think that was my emotional opening. Was able to keep tears out of my eyes for a month and then this. Feeling like the crack in the dam is causing stress on the dam wall!

Spoke to Peter today to seek his advice about my housing loan. He is my finance guru. What is the difference between a bank's board rate and its prime rate? I'm deciding whether to choose a new plan that is pegged against Prime or Board. Actually, I had already sent him an email but wanted to make sure he'd look at it and advise me, so gave him a call. He recognised my voice instantly....again. Found out that he was back in Singapore last week for Chinese New Year as well. He tried calling me at the old Viewlocity mobile number and realised that it had been given up. Silly guy didn't remember my old number. He wanted to send me Valentine's flowers too, but didn't. That would've been nice. Funnily enough, I had been thinking to call him last week too but decided against it. Wanted to take him to see the apartment that he had helped me to buy. So, we chatted like old friends (awkward, since we were lovers rather than friends) and learnt that he'll be in Hong Kong in mid March. I'm feeling a softness fluttering in my belly. Will I always have a soft spot for him? I know I'll always love him. Only time will tell...(I'm not telling Tim about this.....shhhhhh...)

Tim feels like he's in this space of being "in love" with me again. I know this is just a feeling that he's had many times before but won't transform into any level of commitment. This is a sore point for me and I don't need more salt on the wound. Stop reminding me already. I know he doesn't really love me that way. godammit!!!! No one will ever commit himself to me. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling ANY way. I just want to shut it all out. everything. stop talking. stop thinking. just stop already. feel a cry coming but I won't give in to it.

Oh, forgot to mention, Sam just had his first LP weekend last week. He also had one enrollment in that time. He is thrilled. I know how that feels. He told me right after Basic that he wanted to be in my shoes, standing in front of the person whom he enrolls and seeing the transformation and grateful for it. He has manifested that! I am so happy for him. He is beaming all the time now.

Oh, and I had a dream this morning, with a death theme again. Quite horrible. I think I was a Danish princess (why Danish? and a princess?) and was wearing a traditional gown type of outfit to attend an official function in Malaysia. I was with someone but I don't remember who it was. Anyway, I think it was a funeral for some top official who was killed by terrorists and during the ceremony, the MC challenged Osama bin Laden to show himself if he wasn't a coward for killing his own kind (apparently, the dead man was a muslim himself). I realised midway during the ceremony that Osama had slipped in seemingly unnoticed. I realised later that some guards had noticed him come in and were re-positioning themselves. It seemed as if they had expected him and were planning to trap him. I became worried and quickly slipped away, knowing that nothing good could come out of it. As I ran away from the building, I heard a commotion and looked back in time to see the building I had just gotten away from was falling to pieces and people were screaming and hanging on for dear life. Suddenly, I'm not alone. My child is standing beside me and I urge him to keep on running as we were not clear of the danger yet. At that point, I woke up.

So much to blog about but no time....
Received an email from him yesterday. A delayed mail that was written on Sunday night after we chatted. It was a tearful, soulful email which would tear my heart to pieces if I allow it (and I won't). He was crying. Running in his head all the thoughts and feelings he wanted to share with my family, now that they've all seen Aurora (he brought her to the airport to see me off). Actually, it was funny how all that happened. Kelvin and Nat gave him and 'ang pow' at church saying, "I have to give you this since you're not married" (what a thing to say!) and Tim was too stunned to respond. He just looked at me wondering if I was planning to conceal his marital status to them, just uncertain where that stood. While I just felt it was his own truth to reveal or conceal as he wished. He hesitantly accepted the red packet. And later, when we talked about it in the car, I told him that the truth was always the best, in my mind. And at the same time, Ming had asked him to babysit Aurora that evening so if he saw me off at the airport, it would be with Aurora and it would be awkward considering what had just passed between him and Kelvin & Nat. He decided to tell Kelvin the truth. As it turned out, Kelvin already knew i(he must have remembered Tim with Aurora from my mom's Asiaworks Basic graduation) but forgot it after. So, since everything was already cleared up, he brought Aurora to the airport. The kids were curious! I didn't see their reaction but Tim observed it. I only overheard them saying to each other, asserting that she is "Uncle Tim's daughter". They are so accepting!
So, that brought out a lot of emotion for him, I guess. He said he was running through his head to share with my sister how awkward he had felt before and how much we enjoy being together, how much he loves me and how grateful he is for all the love he has experienced with my family. How he struggled with his responsibilities of being a father and with separation and how he wants to make things right with me. I am tempted to believe it means something but I am resisting it as I realise this is coming from a Reaction to an event. I also remember that Peter had done something similar, declaring his love for me to my family and how he wanted to make things right with me and his struggles with getting separation and divorce. But we know it didn't end that way. So also, I cannot hope this means any more than that he is just sharing some emotions that were coming up that may not necessarily turn into action.

I am sick today. Was very tired and went to bed early last night thinking I'd feel a whole lot better today but ended up waking up sick! Working from home....

so i'm now writing this on the plane back to HK. Haven't done any blogging while in Singapore except that one time. I realise that I've gotten used to being alone and though I missed having some company while I was in HK, I also wanted some quiet time on my own while in Singapore.
The bbq was good. Food was fantastic, especially the cray fish in butter and Louis' special bbq sauce for the chicken wings. And people that mattered were there, except for Al who was back in malaysia for his CNY celebrations.
Time with Tim was brief at first. After the Saturday 'tearful' meeting, we didn't meet again until Tuesday, when he was babysitting Aurora and we met at East Coast Park for a 'picnic' of CNY leftovers for dinner. It was the first time I had spent any time with Aurora and it was special. She was so comfortable with me and even let me feed her! Her pet phrase - "Let's go baby" - courtesy of her "Pops". So cute!
Met him again on Thursday, V day, to deliver his "non v day gift" gift- a chair from our Singapore office which is near shutting down. He was surprised and loved it. Sat on the chair along the 5 foot way at the foot of his apt block! I love to give him gifts. So appreciative. Didn't do dinner as he had his V day dates already- Aurora and Ming. I stayed at Carissa on my own that night.
He stayed over at Carissa Friday after the bbq and spent a lazy, star-filled morning and afternoon together at my apt. He lay in my lap as I stroked his hair. He was feeling sentimental and emotional and didn't want to leave. Overstayed at the apt by more than 4 hours!
(Just arrived at HK. In taxi now)
Had family dinner at UDMC Seafood Centre. Jaime, who was one of those who suggested the dinner scheduled another appt at the same time. She wasn't at my bbq either. All because of a stupid disagreement we had on New Year's day. Not worth blogging about.

Met him again after dinner because he asked to have some quiet time together. Walked at the beach and he said many things. Started off by asking me to tell him about HK. I wasn't sure what he was asking at first and began to give him a run down about weather, crowds, attitudes, language. He just listened and probed for more. He said that he asked because he didn't know what was going on for me in HK since I'd stopped updating my web page. He sounded so sad yet I can't say I was very moved. He proceeded to share about his fear of hurting me by saying the wrong thing and how he ends up not being communicative. Said he valued the honesty we used to share and wanted that again. And that he loves me very much, do I know that. I managed to remain unmoved thru it all, making no response. He stayed over at MP and went with me to church this morning where I sang cantor. I still love him even if I manage to be numb to a lot of stuff going on inside.
(back at the hotel now and chatting with Al, Kai and Tim). Tired now, going to bed....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm back! Been a really busy week. The kick-off went really well. Full day session on Thursday. Our focus is to get focused, take ownership and put it into action. That is PRO Action! Went for a baseball game after the meeting....well, sort of. Baseball bat and balls came from Toys R Us and were foam covered to absorb the shock from impact. That was fun but my whole body ached after. Then, went for dinner on the boat I chartered for us. Had karaoke on board. We sucked but had a blast!

Got back to Singapore on Friday night. Albert and Casline came to receive me at the airport. That was really nice. Tim decided not to come by afterall. No idea why. No matter. Met him yesterday afternoon to pass him the gifts I got him. The Chinese name stamp, Bossini shirt and the summer dress for Aurora. Was planning to just hand them over to him from the car. He got into the car because there were too many cars going by at the carpark. Sat for a while enjoying the gifts and then invited me up. I think I wanted to go up. I'm not sure. Plus, I needed the loo :p
He gave me a hug again when I got upstairs. Didn't want to let go. I struggled for balance. How to let go enough to enjoy the hug without wanting more and at the same time not be too distant so that he'd notice it and get upset. After a while, I noticed his breathing was quite ragged....he was crying. I still don't know what it was about. We didn't talk about it. It was heartbreaking but I refused to let myself feel anything. Was numb. So, that's the start of my CNY holiday.

TL sent me an sms to say that he might be relocated to Hong Kong as well. That would be interesting. He's someone I was very attracted to at one time.

I'm definitely coming down with something. sinuses are flaring up and throat feels scratchy. Guess I'll be sick when I get home.
Found out yesterday that Feb 15 is Ash Wednesday pushed back. Actual Ash Wednesday falls on New Year Day 2 so on account of that, it has been postponed to Friday! Well, if it can be postponed, it can be postponed further. I'll do my abstinence another day. But where does that leave my family whom I've invited to the bbq :(

Can't believe how tired I am. Going to sleep soon but before that, gotta pop over at Sam's to get some water 'cos I was too lazy to go and buy them tonight. Also didn't get the cold medicine that I promised Al I'd get today. Oooops!

Got an email from him tonight offering to give me a massage when I get back. Strange...he wouldn't respond to my offer of massage and would offer me one instead? Maybe he really didn't get my email afterall....

Mom went home this afternoon. Yesterday, went to Macau and then to Anita & Emil's place for dinner with family. Marianne and her husband, Oliver, were there too. That was nice. Had a sumptuous spread of home made recipes. Talented family. Got home almost midnight. Mom was not pleased at staying out so late as she was tired. Especially since she kept tripping and stressing her back as a result.

Today, went to office late so she could have a longer sleep in. She was exhausted. So am I. Had a dim sum lunch with colleagues, Sam and Ronald after we sent her to the city airport terminal. At least she can say she did the traditional "yum cha" thing. Don't know if she enjoyed the rest of her weekend since she tends to provide more negative than positive feedback in general. Ok, am too busy, tired and sick to blog further. will have to catch up. Too much to do, too little time. Kick-off presentations are overdue.......ARGH!!! *sniffles sniffle*....caught the bug.

Oh! and was too busy to think much about him too. Bought him some gifts though, a shirt that was on sale dirt cheap and a chinese name stamp in traditional script. Reads "Tim" (duh!) and means "add/get more". Quite auspicious.

Boy! I'm exhausted. We were up this morning from 6am! I didn't get to sleep till after 1am and was really weary today. Add to that the fact that I didn't have time to check the temperature and ended up with too little clothes. Just had one a t-shirt and a denim jacket! and it was raining! We did a morning HK island tour. Visited a temple (boring! had insense ash fall on my head), then Victoria Peak (again!), Aberdeen fishing village (the boat people of Hong Kong), jewellery factory (bought myself a pair of ear rings! who's on vacation, I wonder...), and Stanley market where I bought a "kay po" for myself for a mere HK$200 (S$48) altered to fit perfectly. And bought a CNY gift (another one!) for him. It is a traditional Chinese name stamp with a horse head. His name reads "Tim" (hah! of course!) which means "add more"...not a bad name.

Also went to Temple Street and mom bought 7 mini watches for HK$100. Some are for the kids in the shape of cars, pikachu and the likes, and for herself, ring watches.

Ok, I'm exhausted (oh! i've said that already) and mom is worse. She hurt her back tripping off steps twice because she walks with her eyes all over except where she's heading! Had to handhold her the rest of the day because I didn't want any accidents to ruin her short trip! To Macau tomorrow and dinner with Anita and Emil's family.

Mom arrived safely this evening at 6pm. Got to my apartment at 7.15pm and ended up waiting for me for 10 mins because the shuttle was held up by a traffic accident.

Ran the bath for her while I prepared a dinner of spicy fish, brocolli and toufu, and herbal soup which I prepared since this morning. Ended up having work to do for the kick-off that I couldn't finish before day end so she entertained herself with "Phenomenon" on TVB Pearl. Didn't last the end of the movie because she was sleepy by 10pm. Must be the cold weather. Made me tired whenever I first experienced it.

He remembered that my mom is here this weekend. Was nice of him to remember and send me an msn message to wish us a great weekend. Got a couple more email from him but I don't feel the urge to reply. I think more than that, I don't know what to say, hence, no urge. What else can I say if I'm not going to update him on what's going on in my life. I can't imagine what else there really is!

Early morning tomorrow. We'll catch the 7am shuttle into TST and take the 8.30 HK island city tour. Hope that the peak will not be shrouded in fog tomorrow...GULP!

OK, tired now and got to restart the computer as email doesn't seem to be launching. Drats.